Question by IsaacC: Admission to a program essay help!?
Hey guys, I wrote an essay that’s less than 500 words (366 word count). If you could edit this within a few hours, that would be awesome. So basically, the program is called the MBA (McCombs Business Association) Program during the summer. Only 50 people are allowed to the program and this is my last year to enroll. I got everything else done but I need to submit the essay which I already have. I was wondering if you guys could help me re-write or edit the essay and fix any errors or just make it better. Also, I already tried asking my parents but they do not know english very well and my teachers were all busy. Thanks!
Anyhow, the topic is “Write an essay about what you would do during the McCombs business program and what you would learn or do there.”
Heres the essay that I wrote.
I believe that the MBA program at UT will help strengthen my interests in the business field. Not only do I believe that this program will help me succeed later in life, but to challenge myself as well. As a child, I have always dreamed about the successful dreams that are achieved by the business field. The MBA program will help me with this dream while also giving myself an opportunity to experience the field. The business field has always piqued my interest and came to mind when my piers ask me what I want to be in the future. I have always replied, “I’m working on becoming a successful businessman with a dream of surpassing my limits.” With this program, I will be able to progress onto the few steps that lie ahead of one’s limits. By having this amazing opportunity, I will always try my best if I get enrolled or not, and become successful. As you only get to live 1 life while on Earth, I would like to make the most of it; starting with the MBA program and then later changing lives around the world. My future started out as a child with an ambition to fulfill his dream. By becoming enrolled in this program, the chances of fulfilling my dream gradually increases.
While being enrolled there, I will always be on my best behavior while doing what is told to the best of my ability. While doing so, I would be able to acquire skills that I never would have been able to achieve. Not only will I be able to meet the diverse students but learn about their techniques and skills. Advancing in society together, as a group, is what this MBA program would accomplish as a whole. The opportunity, skills and techniques I would be able to acquire is one thing but being accepted to this program is another. While it may not as dramatic to get enrolled, becoming a part of this program is another dream come true. The dreams I have had since I was a child and my future goals will reflect back on this wonderful opportunity provided by McCombs and will never be forgotten.
Best answer:
Answer by Kat Kolms
Quality over quantity.
Your essay has no content. Your second paragraph is a reiteration of your first paragraph. You write a lot about your dreams and skills you want to learn, but you do not mention any specifics.
Your entire story about childhood dreams reeks of BS. I’m honestly willing to bet that you have never said, “I’m working on becoming a successful businessman with a dream of surpassing my limits” to anyone. The person who reads your essay won’t believe it either.
Well behaved is something the college already expects you to be. By stating that you will be on your best behavior, you imply that you are a lunatic when outside of class.
Improve your writing, grammar, and spelling skills. It will do you a whole lot of good. Many competitive companies screen potential job candidates by checking for grammar and spelling errors in the applicants’ resumes.
How I would edit your essay:
I want to enter the MBA program at UT because I believe it will strengthen my business skills and provide a challenging experience. I want to familiarize myself with the business field and fulfill my childhood dream of [something specific like 'owning my own video game company']. If I receive the opportunity at UT, I hope to learn new business strategies and stretch my knowledge of [specific thing(s) about business]. I will try my best to become a successful businessman and change lives around the world with my degree. I know I have the motivation and the ambition to fulfill my childhood dream.
And then you go on about what you want to do with your skills, how you want to apply them, what you really really really want to learn about, etc.
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